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How it felt when my daughter left home.

Saturday, August 1st, 2009 at 8:54 pm

Five weeks ago, my daughter left home to go to University. I had to check the calendar to see how long ago she left and was hugely surprised that it was only five weeks ago. It feels like a lifetime. I miss her so intensely that the pain of it still takes my breath away.

For weeks before she left, I was tearful and in a state of ‘countdown’. Three weeks until she goes, two, one, seven days, six…it was agony. For such a long time, it seemed as if the departure date was on a very distant horizon. Then, as these things tend to do, it swung into sharp focus and I couldn’t ignore it any more. I began to watch her – really watch her. Like some sad stalker. Drinking in the things that I knew I wouldn’t be able to see so easily for a long time. Often, she caught me doing it and teased me…”Making memories, Mum?” and we would both laugh but my heart was already breaking, bit by bit.

She seemed so much stronger than me, on the surface at least. I held myself together as best I could for her sake as much as mine. On one occasion, I had taken her to College to see a Tutor and while I waited outside in the car, I played with her iPod. She often teased me because I couldn’t work it but I got it going and played a song. “Patience” by TakeThat. It completely undid me and I still can’t listen to it now although it was one of our favourite songs. I pulled myself together and tried another. It was the same for “My Immortal” by Evanescence. I turned off the iPod and just howled, trying to let the piercing physical pain out while she wasn’t there. It felt like letting the steam out of a pressure cooker. I had to let some out or I felt I would burst. Agony. She came back to the car, saw my tearstained face and laughed. So did I. What else could we do?

It was a busy time, which helped. She was busy packing boxes and I was busy trying not to cry. At every opportunity, we went in my car to a tiny local harbor and sat with baguettes and good coffee from our favorite shop. Talking, listening to music, chatting about celebs, TV, Facebook, relationships, weight, trying to give up smoking…making memories. How I miss that.

And then suddenly there it was. She was going tomorrow. Now the countdown began in earnest. Twenty four hours, twenty three…I couldn’t sleep that night and couldn’t hold back the tears. I wanted her to go. I’m so proud that she has gone and hopefully will start her course soon. I want her to have her own place with her boyfriend. They had lived in one tiny room in our home for eighteen months and it was time. But I was taken by surprise by how much it hurt and still does.

I was never one of those women who dreaded the thought of their kids leaving home. I always had a list of things I wanted to do, space I wanted to reclaim. My husband tried to cheer me up by telling me how great it would be when I could finally lay my hand on my hairbrush, my make up, my tweezers. How tidy the Lounge would be, how the washing machine would be free much more often, how there would be enough hot water left for a shower…all those things are true but I can take no pleasure in them yet. I would so much rather she was here.

I remember back to when I worked on a woman’s magazine in London. I was the Personal Assistant to the Beauty Editor. She was poised, attractive, beautifully made up, perfectly groomed, highly intelligent, a good friend and hysterically funny. One day, I found her in the Ladies Rest Room. I thought she was having a heart attack. She was pale, sweaty and shaking and obviously trying not to cry. Her son, her only child, had left home that morning for University and she was a mess. I was shocked to see her like that. I am that mess now.

To complicate matters, my husband (my daughter’s Stepfather) lost a child from a previous marriage. His son was eleven when he was knocked over by a car. He was on life support for a week while they found recipients for his organs. It gave some pitiful sense to the dreadful tragedy. I can’t imagine what he went through and my own ‘little drama’ seems so pathetic by comparison. I can pick up the phone to my daughter, I can Skype with her. I can see her on her webcam and if I ever get mine working, she will see me too. My husband doesn’t have that luxury and so I keep as quiet as I can. But sometimes it’s too much. I have lost both my Father and Mother and so I know that this feels like bereavement, even though it’s not.

The day she left, we were all falsely bright. All horribly aware that the moment of parting was getting closer. We had joked that when it came down to it, we would probably just hug and say “See you!” and that’s almost what happened. We hugged in a jokey fashion and I should have left it at that but I couldn’t. I craved one last, proper hug. And of course, I started to unravel. I told her to go then. Just go. She could see by my twisted face that I couldn’t do it anymore and turned to go – but exchanged a joke with her Step Dad on the way out to the Ferry. I don’t remember getting back to the car but I do remember hearing a very strange noise and then with a shock, realising it was me. Howling. Like an animal in pain. The noise jolted me back and I pulled it together once more so that I could endure waving the Ferry off. It wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined, mainly because I was so exhausted and felt as if I was in an altered state. Just like bereavement.

The next day was the worst. I woke up and then remembered that she was gone. Even when I managed to stop crying, my eyes carried on – all on their own. Bizarre. My husband wasn’t well but selfishly, I felt horribly panicky and just had to get out of the house. It was so quiet. Too quiet, painfully quiet. I really couldn’t stand it. I drove to our tiny local harbour and sat and cried. For hours. Non stop. It helped but it hurt, so very much. Then I went home, mindful of my husband’s loss and my need to just get on with it.

Since then, I have reclaimed her bedroom as the Craft Room that I always dreamed of having. Doing that was intensely painful. I can’t love it yet since I’d so much rather she was in it. I’ve stumbled through the weeks. Some days, it’s all I can do not to fall apart. Anything else is a bonus. I know I will see her again but it won’t be for a long time as we live so far apart now and finances are tight for all of us.

Time heals. I know that. The trouble is, I also have a son who is about to leave. So I have to go through it all again. A friend who has two girls told me it gets easier the second time, but hers left years apart. Who knows? I can’t and won’t even try to imagine how it will be. I will just have to live though it and come out of the other side, like women all over the world do every time a child leaves home.

The Ultimate Home Remedy to Treat Colds and Flu Symptoms

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009 at 11:39 am

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Now although you lucky readers who live in the northern hemisphere are heading into Summer, here in Australia winter is well and truly upon us, and with that comes sub zero temperatures, icy winds, rain, fog and snow so it stands to reason that coughs and colds are inevitable.

And as we all know, once one person in the family affected, a cold quickly spreads from person to person until everyone in the house is sick with running noses, temperatures, coughs, achy bodies and many other symptoms.

And what with the cost of Doctors visits becoming more and more expensive, taking a full house off ailing patients to the doctor can be very costly.

So we have found a more natural approach to helping ease the symptoms of coughs, colds and flu which can actually be used just as well for summer colds.

I am lucky enough to have an earth mother who brews lotions and potions from natural ingredients and this tea was first introduced to me by her many years ago. The first time I used it was to help my grandfather recover from a summer cold which left him bed ridden for 5 days. And although once a cold has taken hold the ailments often need to run their course, taking this remedy will certainly ease the symptoms.

I personally use it as a preventative measure at the beginning of winter so find I am less likely to contract a cold but if I do this tea increases the speed of my recovery.

This is what you will need:

Teapot a strainer is not required but can be helpful

Enough hot water to fill the teapot

grater or microplane

Ingredients:

2 Large lemons

2 cloves of garlic

1 small knob of fresh ginger

1 small red chilli with the seeds removed

A handful of fresh mint

A handful of fresh lemon balm (if you grow it)

3-4 sultanas

Honey to taste

Method:

Grate the lemon zest of both lemons into small or large pieces I like to do it into small pieces.

Peel and grate both cloves of garlic and the ginger.
Remove the seeds from the chili and chop very finely, making sure to wash your hands very carefully afterwards to remove any residual chili oil from your fingers.
Roughly chop the mint and lemon balm.

Put all the ingredients including the sultanas into the teapot with a big splash of honey.
Cover it with the boiling water.
Cover the tea with the teapot lid and allow to sit for 2-3 minuets.
Pour into a mug and drink it up.
Don’t throw the tea out or make a new one, when all the water is gone, just refill the teapot with more hot water and continue drinking.

I have prepared this tea many times for the family, my friends and colleagues. Generally I have found that this tea helps to relieve symptoms within 2 days.

So when winter hits your place next, be prepared with my tea and thumb your nose at coughs and colds.

This article written by Ishta, a free lance writer who contributes to a number of blogs.

An Introduction to the Religion of Islam

Saturday, July 25th, 2009 at 11:36 am

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Islam is essentially a peaceful religion. However, many people do not know that – because it is impossible to write about Islam and Muslims without recalling the terrible events of September 11^th 2001. The two seem to have become inextricably linked and that has, understandably, damaged the public perception of what it really means to be a Muslim. So, before we take a look at Islam, let’s clear up some misunderstanding about 9/11. The dreadful terrorist attack is believed to have been orchestrated by Osama Bin Laden, who claimed responsibility. But is Bin Laden a Muslim and what do other Muslims really think about that tragic day?

Osama Bin Laden’s religion

Bin Laden was born to a wealthy family and was raised to be a Muslim – but his family were devout followers of Wahhabi Muslim. This is a breakaway group that is believed to have been started by Muhammad ibn Abd-al-Wahhab who wished to purge Islam of ‘unwelcome innovations’. Wahabis didn’t just disapprove of non-Muslims – they also committed violent acts against other Muslims, who they saw as not strictly following the religion. In 1801 – 1802, they took over the holy Iraqui cities of Karbala and Najaf, slaughtered many of the people and destroyed holy tombs. This is the way of thinking that Bin Laden was brought up to believe in – not the peaceful path of Islam.

Muslim reaction to 9/11

Virtually all leaders of Islam and Muslim organizations spoke out to condemn the terrible events of that day. The Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia (the highest official of Muslim religious law), said that “…hijacking planes, terrorizing innocent people and shedding blood, constitute a form of injustice that cannot be tolerated by Islam, which views them as gross crimes and sinful acts.”

Reprisals

Following 9/11, there were many attacks on Muslims living in America, many who had been born there. On September 17^th, six days after the Towers fell, George W. Bush visited the Islamic Center in Washington DC and spoke out against reprisal attacks, saying “…those who feel like they can intimidate our fellow citizens to take out their anger don’t represent the best of America, they represent the worst of humankind, and they should be ashamed of that kind of behavior.“

Prince Charles speaks up for Islam

On December 13^th 1996, Prince Charles gave a speech in Sussex, England, which he titled “Building Bridges between Islam and the West”. He said “…I start from the belief that Islamic civilisation at its best…has an important message for the West in the way it has retained an integrated and integral view of the sanctity of the world around us. I feel that we in the West could be helped to rediscover the roots of our own understanding by an appreciation of the Islamic tradition’s deep respect for the timeless traditions of the natural order.”

So what is ‘Islamic Fundamentalism’?

Muslims say that Islam itself has no concept of ‘fundamentalism’. They say that this term was originated by the media in the west, to include those who wish to follow the ‘fundamental principles’ of Islam and live their lives according to those principles.

They go on to say that a practicing God fearing Muslim can not be a fanatic or an extremist because Islam is a religion of moderation.

What does the word ‘Islam’ mean?

It has two meanings, peace and a conscious and willing submission to the one Almighty God, Allah. This submission requires Muslims to act on Allah’s Holy word (as written in the text of the Qur’an) and also on what Allah’s Prophet, Muhammad, entreated followers to do.

Peace is achieved by getting rid of one’s ego and submitting to Allah.

What about Muslim Sects?

Muslims do not have sects but there are two major ‘groups’ of followers within Islam. These are the Shia (15% of Muslims) and the Sunni (85% of Muslims). Both groups follow the Quran and the Prophet Muhammad, pray five times a day, fast for the month of Ramadan and make the pilgrimage to Mecca, called the hajj.

How the Sunni and the Shia differ: The Sunni follow the Prophet Muhammad. The Shia (who mostly live in Iran and Iraq) follow the Prophet Muhammad and the teachings of Ali, who was the Prophet Muhammad’s son-in-law.

Who was Muhammad and what is the Quran?

The Prophet Muhammad was born into a noble tribe in Mecca, Arabia, in 570 AD. He was descended from the Prophet Ishmael who was the son of Abraham. Muhammad’s father died before he was born and he lost his mother at six years of age. He was raised first by a nurse (which was customary in those times) and then by his grandfather and an uncle. In his youth, he liked to meditate in a cave and at the age of 40, he became a Prophet because the Angel Gabriel appeared to him in that cave. For the next 23 years, the Angel gave him the revelations which were compiled into the Quran. This book, which Muslims believe is the word of God, has been kept in its’ original form. Muslims say that it confirms the words of the Torah, the psalms and the holy gospels.

Do Muslims worship Muhammad?

No they don’t. They believe in all prophets and that includes Adam, Abraham, David, Noah, Moses and Jesus. Muslims simply believe that Muhammad was the last of all of the prophets. They don’t worship any human being – believing that only God (Allah) is to be worshipped.

What is the Muslim opinion of Jesus?

Many people don’t realise that Jesus is held in very high regard in the Islamic faith. Muslims believe him to be the promised Messiah, born of the Virgin Mary to bring the word of God.

What are the ‘pillars of Islam’?

There are five main pillars of Islam, which all Muslims are required to follow. They are:

1. The belief in one God (Allah) and the belief that the Prophet Muhammad is his messenger.

2. Praying to Allah five times each day.

3. Fasting during the month of Ramadan.

4. Charity

5. Hajj – the once in a lifetime pilgrimage to Mecca (if one can afford it financially and one is physically fit enough to make the journey).

These are called pillars because Muslims liken them to a building, which needs all of the pillars to be of an equal height and strength. Therefore, it is necessary to follow all of the pillars of faith.

In addition to the pillars, the moral codes of Islam demand truthfulness, honesty and many other qualities which make a ‘good’ human being. Once all of these are in place, the ‘building’ is complete and perfect.

Are there things that Muslims can’t do?

Yes. The Quran teaches that it is forbidden to eat pork or any product derived from pork. Muslims may not eat meat from an animal which died before it was slaughtered. They mustn’t eat any animal that is carnivorous or drink blood. They are also forbidden to use alcohol or recreational (i.e. non medical) drugs.

What is Sharia?

This is the Muslim law which comes from two sources, the Quran and the Prophet Muhammad. Islamic laws exist to protect the basic human rights of each individual. This includes a right to life, property laws, political freedom, religious freedom and upholding the rights of women and minority groups. In areas where Muslims are devout, there is a very low crime rate.

But isn’t Islam oppressive to women?

Muslims don’t believe that it is. Over 1400 years ago, Islam gave women the right to divorce, the right to be financially independent and Hijab – the right to be recognized as dignified women. Under Islam, married women can keep their maiden name. They can also keep any money that they earn and spend it how they choose. One of the Prophet Muhammad’s teachings was “…the best among you is the one who is best to his family.” However, it is true, that some Muslim men do oppress women – but this is not due to Islam. It is because of cultural habits that are non-Islamic or because of an ignorance regarding their religion.

But the women have to cover up so much…

Islam believes in modesty and that no-one (women or men) should be viewed as a ‘sex object’. For both sexes, the rule is that garments should not be too thin or too tight – to avoid showing the shape of the body beneath. Men have to cover at least from their knee to their navel. In general, Islamic women cover all of their body apart from their face and their hands. However, this is due to choice and respect, not oppression.

Muslims are not all terrorists – but peaceful people with a strong faith and a good sense of morals. It is such a pity that they are not often viewed with that in mind. We hope that this has helped to spread a little understanding.

I Can’t Sleep – Help for Insomniacs

Saturday, July 18th, 2009 at 11:53 am

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It’s miserable when you can’t sleep. We all have nights like that. For true insomniacs, life can become very difficult and it can even affect your health. Don’t despair, we’re here to help!

How lack of sleep can be bad for you

Prolonged sleep loss can affect how you function physically and mentally. This isn’t news to insomniacs but did you know that insufficient rest can cause the following:

depression
heart disease
raised blood pressure
irritability
slower reaction times
slurring of speech
tremors

Sleep deprivation is a recognized form of torture. An experiment showed that laboratory rats who weren’t allowed to sleep at all, died after two to three weeks. Luckily, even insomniacs do fall asleep eventually through sheer exhaustion but their sleep is not restorative. Let’s take a look at how you can help yourself to get a good night’s sleep that leaves you feeling refreshed, alert and looking forward to the day ahead.

Is Counting Sheep an ‘Old Wives Tale’?

Apparently not! We may offer it as a flippant form of advice but it does work and there is a scientific reason why. In the 1970’s, two psychologists from Harvard researched how effective it was to ‘count sheep’. They discovered that doing this forced both sides of the brain to work at the same time. This prevented the form of brain activity that can cause insomnia!

Visit your physician

The major cause of insomnia is stress, anxiety and tension. Unfortunately, when you lose out on sleep, those are exactly the things that you feel – so it becomes a vicious circle. If your physician confirms that there is no physical cause for your insomnia, move on to the next suggestion. You may be offered medications but try and use these only as a last resort.

Supplements that can help you sleep

There are certain supplements that you can take to help you fall asleep naturally and have a restful nights sleep. These include:

L-Tryptophan – is an essential amino acid that helps with relaxation and restful sleep. It’s also said to be helpful for treating depression. You can purchase L-Tryptophan at IHerb or Amazon.

5-HTP – This supplement has many benefits. When taken into the body it converts into serotonin which helps to elevate mood. Serotonin is required to produce melatonin and we need melatonin to regulate our sleep-wake cycles. You can purchase 5-HTP at iHerb or Amazon.

Melatonin – As described above, melatonin helps to regulate sleep-wake cycles. This supplement has received some fantastic reviews on iHerb. You can purchase Melatonin at Amazon or iHerb.

Sleep Formulas that can help you sleep

You can also purchase sleep formulas that contain one or more of the above supplements. These are some of the highly rated ones:

MRM Relax All – This product has received some fantastic reviews. However, this product should not be used on a daily basis as it can cause dependency issues. You can purchase MRM Relax All from Amazon or iHerb.

Natural Factors Stress-Relax Natural Sleep – This product contains 5-HTP, Suntheanine and Melatonin and is another formula that has received excellent reviews. You can purchase Natural Factors Stress Relax formula at iHerb or Amazon.

Try a relaxing bath before bed

For extra help, use ‘relaxing’ aromatherapy bath oils such as lavender. Don’t soak for too long though – it can make you feel exhausted instead of relaxed.

Magnesium baths may also help as magnesium is a natural relaxant. You can buy either magnesium oil or magnesium flakes and add to a bath as directed. It’s soothing and also makes your skin feel soft. If you’d rather make your own magnesium oil check out this post – How to Make Your Own Magnesium Oil.

Have a massage

If you have a helpful partner, a full body massage can work wonders. Slow, firm, gentle strokes are best and even a backrub or scalp massage can be of benefit.

Play yourself a lullaby

There’s a reason we do it for babies! Make sure the music is gentle and soothing. It doesn’t even have to be music. You can buy CD’s of sounds that are incredibly relaxing. Think of waves breaking gently on the shore… Just be sure that you have a player that turns itself off automatically. You really don’t want to have to spoil all that relaxation by having to turn it off.

Meditation

One of my favorite meditation pieces is by Andrew Johnson. I find that listening to Andrew’s “Deep Relaxation” is an excellent way to get to sleep. He has an incredibly smooth voice that has me drifting off quite quickly. No more lying awake staring at the ceiling. You can download the Andrew Johnson website or from Amazon.com.

Have a drink of warm milk

A mug or glass of warm or hot (but not cold) milk taken 15 minutes before you go to bed can help to make you relax. This is because the calcium in milk is known to be soothing on the nervous system. If you tend to go to the bathroom during the night, make it a small mug!

Try a herbal tea

Many people can’t take milk for various reasons so try a herbal tea. Choose one that is advertised as helping you to sleep. Flavors to look for include chamomile, anise, fennel or catnip. All of these contain natural ingredients which can promote restful slumber.

The following ‘sleep enhancing’ teas have received quite good reviews:

Have a snack before bed

This means a small snack that’s low in protein and high in carbohydrate, such as a small glass of juice and a cookie. Eat this around an hour before you intend to retire for the night. Other foods that can help you to drop off include eggs, chicken, turkey, cashew nuts and cottage cheese. This is because they contain L-tryptophan which is an amino acid necessary for restful sleep.

Try to avoid tobacco, alcohol and caffeine.

It is tempting to have a ‘nightcap’ but it doesn’t help you to sleep. It makes you dopey for all the wrong reasons and actually stops you reaching a deep level of sleep which is where the refreshed feeling comes from.

If you’re a smoker and unable to sleep, the first thing you probably do is light up. Try to avoid this as it floods your system with nicotine which is a stimulant and will only wake you up more.

Caffeine is another stimulant which coffee drinkers are well aware of. Did you know that there is also caffeine in tea (not herbal teas), drinking chocolate and cola? Try and avoid these from early evening onwards.

Make sure your bedroom is the right temperature and is well ventilated

If your room is too hot, it will keep you awake. The same goes for too cold. The ideal is a steady temperature of 60 to 65 degrees. Make sure that the window has been open during the day to allow fresh air in.

Is your mattress and pillow comfortable?

It sounds obvious but if your body can’t relax, sleep will remain elusive. A firm mattress will support you properly, be kind to your spine and help you to sleep better.

A cool pillow can help and you can now purchase cool memory foam pillows that respond to your body’s change in temperature throughout the night. And if you want the mattress to stay cool you can buy a cool memory foam mattress.

Watch your position

Sleeping on your back is the most effective position for letting body relax properly as all of your internal organs will be resting where they should be. If you really can’t do that, sleep on your right side rather than your left. Lying on your left side allows your major organs to press up against your heart which can cause stress and palpitations.

Wherever possible, don’t sleep on your stomach. It puts pressure onto all of your organs and can prevent you from taking adequate breaths. It can also give you a stiff neck and cause problems with your upper back.

Fit some physical activity into your day

Office workers who work cerebrally rather than physically are far more prone to insomnia than manual workers. Your body needs a certain amount of activity to help you relax properly later so even if you can fit in 15 minutes worth it will help. Make sure this is at least 30 minutes before going to bed as your body needs to slow back down again prior to sleep.

Try and stick to the same bed time

Your body is far more likely to respond favorably if you give it a good routine. You may find it boring but your body will thank you with a good nights’ sleep! If the time arrives and you don’t feel sleepy, force yourself to go to bed anyway and you will be surprised how easily sleep does come.

If you really can’t sleep, get up

Opinion is divided on this one. Some say that you should stick it out and teach your body that staying awake doesn’t result in you getting up. The argument is that if you do get up when you can’t sleep, your body will come to expect that and so it will continue to refuse you sleep.

Others say that it’s best to put a time limit on sticking it out. If you’re still awake after half an hour, get up but don’t do anything stimulating like watching TV, going onto your pc or doing crafts – and certainly not ironing! Just sit quietly doing absolutely nothing and then go back to bed. Your body will soon get the message that it’s not worth staying awake for this!

When you wake up…get up!

Just as you choose a routine time to get into bed, choose a routine time to get up. This should be the same time throughout the week – including on the weekends and even during holidays! Harsh, we know, but how much do you want to sleep?

Try getting up earlier

This is a hard one but it will pay off. When you are starting your new routine of going to bed and getting up at set times, try setting your getting-up-time for half an hour earlier than you normally would. This extra half an hour will make you that much more tired at the end of the day, helping you to sleep. Once you’re able to go to sleep easily, you can try pushing your getting-up-time half an hour forward to your ‘usual’ time.

Keep your bed just for sleeping…

…alright…we’ll allow you one other activity, which is also known to promote sleep! But that’s all. No laptops, reading, watching TV, doing puzzles or anything else. You’re teaching your body that bed is for sleep.

Don’t take naps

This is a difficult thing to do especially if you’re not sleeping well at night. However, it’s not rocket science to realize that if you sleep during the day, your body won’t need so much sleep at night. You have to break the cycle.

Avoid lights in the bedroom

We have so much that is illuminated. Digital alarm clocks, mobile phones that we often charge up on the bedside table, streetlights…how is a person to sleep with all of that light? Change your alarm clock for one without an LED numbers. Put your mobile under a dark cloth. Get blackout curtains. If you don’t like the dark, you can have one nightlight. Your body needs darkness to relax properly so give it what it needs.

Herbal medications

If you really, truly, genuinely have tried all of the above – all at the same time – and they haven’t worked, we’d be very surprised. If you still can’t sleep, you may wish to try the herbal sleep aids that you can get at your pharmacy. Follow the instructions to the letter.

**If you still can’t sleep…**

We’d advise you to return to your physician. They will probably suggest all of the above, so be sure that you really have attempted these first. It’s a good idea to keep a sleep diary. Just note down what you have done each night to help you sleep as well as what time you went to bed and got up and then how you slept.

Your Doctor may refer you for sleep studies and then if appropriate, offer you some form of medication to help. But only as a last resort. Please give these suggestions a try. You will feel so much better for a good nights sleep!

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