So here it is:-

A man came  home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas,  playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the  front yard.

The  door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding  into the hall, he found the coat hanger been knocked over, and the  throw rug was wadded against one  wall.

In  the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of  clothing.

In  the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, and the fridge door was wide  open.

Dog  food was spilled all over the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small  pile of sand was spread by the back  door.

He  quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He  was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He  was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As  he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles  of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As  he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a  novel.

She  looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day  went.

He  looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here  today?’

She  again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all  day?’

‘Yes,’  was his incredulous reply.

She  answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do  it.’

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t .
2 .. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke .
5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes .
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music .
27.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
28.. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
29.. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Thought we would share them with you as they are amusing to say the least.

In fact I’m not quite sure what they are trying to say. Just as well we recognised the car lighter fixture.

Operation Method:

1. The regular whole light of magnet in the base and necessary position.
2. The fan-shaped tooth which looks the organization establishes the lamp holder on different angle and position.
3. is it down cigar head can pull out necessary.
4. wire - insert some cigarette device
5. in - finish using directly cigar head to draw in the rotationovelayed befor the wire is black through the head is deposited in in the shell of one.

Now if you can make sense of this you are a genius as far as I am concerned.

1. Ask your brother, the computer geek, what you need to buy to get the computer networked.
2. Go to your local computer store and buy the hardware as told to you by your computer geek brother.
3. Go back to your local computer store to exchange the hardware after being told by your computer geek brother that it was the wrong computer hardware to buy.
4. Come home and open up the first box to see what is actually in it.
5. Look at the contents of the box and wonder to yourself what the hell it all is.
6. Take the stuff out of the box and place it on a table and ooh and ahh as to how wonderful technology is these days.
7. Continue to look at the stuff as you wonder what you need to do next.
8. Go back to the box and find a disk with the words “START HERE” emblazoned on the front.
9. Place the disk into your computer and watch as it automatically runs whilst again marveling at the technological advancements of this century.
10. Find out what all the ‘stuff’ is called from the pictures on the disk.
11. Plug all of the hardware into the wall sockets using the nine year old in the house to get under and behind the computer to do it bearing in mind that she could be electrocuted at any moment with the number of cords at the back of the computer.
12. Plug the blue cord into the router thingy and the other end into the back of the computer and not into the back of the modem and ensure the ‘up thingy’ also known as the aerial is plugged into the router thingy.
13. Run the installation disk and sit for 20 minutes waiting for it to install.
14. Curse at the computer as the installation freezes on the screen 1 millisecond before it is complete and won’t go any further.
15. Run the installation disk again.
16. Curse again as it freezes again.
17. Run the installation disk again.
18. Curse again.
19. Take the disk out and throw it across the room.
20. Pick up the disk, put it back in the computer and read how to set up a network manually.
21. Follow the manual instructions and realize at the end of the 30 minutes that the disk installation had worked anyway so you just wasted 30 minutes trying to connect it all manually.
22. Open the second box and wonder what that metal thingy is and what we need to do with it.
23. Ring the computer geek brother and ask what to do with the new metal thingy.
24. Listen as the computer geek brother explains that the software has to be installed first and then the metal thingy.
25. Find the other computer in the house, turn it on and load the disk.
    Install the software.
26. Exclaim loudly…”woohoo!” as the disk actually installs properly.
27. Turn off the computer.
28. Open the side of the computer.
29. Look for a spot in the computer that might fit the metal thingy.
30. Tinker around in there before realizing that you should probably turn off the computer at the wall socket first.
31. Turn off the computer at the wall socket.
32. Go back to tinkering around in the computer.
33. Find the spot where the metal thingy might fit.
34. Push the metal thingy into the slot.
35. Realise that the metal thingy won’t fit into the slot because there is another metal thingy blocking its path.
36. Realise that the other metal thingy has to be removed first from the back of the computer before the first metal thingy can be inserted.
37. Spend 20 minutes trying to remove the second metal thingy.
38. Finally remove the second metal thingy after realizing you only needed to move a tiny plastic knob sideways to get it out.
39. Place the first metal thingy into the slot.
40. Plug the computer back in.
41. Turn on the computer and wait for the New Hardware Found pop-up to appear.
42. Curse as the New Hardware Found pop-up is not appearing.
43. Shut down your computer.
44. Unplug the computer from the wall socket.
45. Tinker around in the computer again.
46. Realise that you didn’t push the metal thingy into the slot hard enough.
47. Push the metal thingy into the slot until you hear it click.
48. Turn on your computer.
49. Wait for the New Hardware Found pop-up to appear.
50. Shout ‘woo hoo” as the New Hardware Found pop-up appears.
51. Wait for it to do its thing.
52. When it does its thing click on the option to Connect.
53. Watch as it tries to connect.
54. When it unexpectantly connects, call to someone behind you to catch you as you fall into a faint.
55. Once revived, go back to your computer and see what it says.
56. When it asks for a network key go back to your first computer and spend 30 minutes trying to find out what a network key is and where you can get one.
57. Come to the realisation that a network key is not something you can pick up at a locksmith that will miraculously allow you to make friends and long lasting relationships over the internet.
58. After the 30 minutes is up ring your computer geek brother to ask where you can get a network key.
59. Listen as your brother tells you that a network key is anything you want to type into the field.
60. Sit and wonder if this means that you can type in a one hundred word blog post or start your own version of War and Peace but finally realize that it probably means that you need to enter a password of some sort.
61. Enter a password.
62. Click Enter.
63. Watch and wait expectantly with eyes transfixed to the computer screen as the computer does its thing yet again.
64. Then suddenly jump up and down as yes it finally has connected and you can download the internet onto the PC.

See that wasn’t that hard.

The wife asks, “Do you know her?” “Yes,” he sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

These are genuine website names, go ahead and check them out yourself!

1. “Who Represents” is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at ww.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at ww.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There’s the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
6. And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales , www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you’re looking for IP computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com

So if you are just starting out in the world of the internet, take a moment to consider just how your website address will look.

Finally got up the courage to go to the mammogram appointment.

I was met with, “Hi! I’m Belinda!”

The perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, “All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
Everything clear?”

I’m thinking, “Belinda, try decaf. This ain’t rocket science.”

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, “Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?”

�Fine�, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

“Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.” Belinda headed for the door.

“Excuse me! You’re not leaving me in this vise alone are you?” I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, “Oh, you fussy puppy…the door’s wide open so you’ll have the emergency hall lights. I’ll be right back.”

Before I could shout “NOOOO!” she disappeared. And that’s exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite “Hi, how’s it going” type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible “Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.”

“You bet, take care” Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, “Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?”

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps…

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died and there he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there all dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When the ceremony was and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” In her hand she held a box which she gently placed in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied,” Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife.

“I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, Assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1– To make an appointment to see me.
2– To query a missing payment.
3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my Computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later Date to the Authorized Contact.)
8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client

The girl said “No” and she lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook.

Here she is enjoying life with her friends.